Ralph

The best security guard ever was the security guard from Animaniacs. They always made him look like a fat slovenly dumbass, the normal security guard cliché. The kind that falls asleep and eats jelly donuts on the job, and spills the filling on his shirt or falls backwards in his chair when he gets startled. He spoke like a retard too, complete with the “DUHH” in front of his sentences.

He’s the best guard I’ve ever seen, in any form of media or real life. Not best as in funny or most entertaining, I mean best as in best at his job, and I’m not insulting security guards by saying that. I’ll explain.

First of all, he’s the ONLY security guard for the entire property of Warner Brothers studios. You never see any other security personnel in the show, and there’s no mention of them either that I remember. So that means he lives there, in that tiny booth, all the time. With barely any supplies, he has to live off of the environment completely, and he manages to do it so well that he’s overweight. He does this on purpose because he knows there will be times where he will have to go a very long time without food, so his body can survive off of his body fat. Also the winters are cold and he will need all of the insulation he can get.

He sleeps on the job because he HAS to sleep on the job. There are no other guards for the site. He watches TV in his booth because he needs to keep current with the times, and also he needs to know what the weather will be like so he can prepare for it. His uniform is nearly always clean. This is amazing because he probably doesn’t come across or have a way to clean his clothing very often, but he always wears his uniform right to the dress code. He even has his hair shaven, which is the safest way to have it in his line of work, so that criminals can’t grab a hold of it in a skirmish. Shirt is tucked in, boots polished and hat worn properly. He’s helpful and he remembers everyone that enters the property and is very polite.

His secondary duty is to chase three demon children around. Not even that, three demon children with godlike powers. They can pull anything out of anywhere, transform into anything, disappear, fly, jump incredible heights, run faster than any known animal. They have used mind control, their limbs can fall off and mend themselves back on good as new, no form of weaponry works on them. They’ve been in explosions, lasers, dealt with vampires, aliens, huge guns, ghosts etc. Nothing can stop them, and one of them knows every country on earth, and can sing a song using only the names of the countries as the only words and it still rhymes perfectly. If they were real they could be the single biggest threat to all of existence, they have absolutely no limits to what they can do.

Despite all of that though, the security guard STILL manages to catch them, climb the Warner water tower (with one arm) where he’s told to imprison them while holding onto all three, no handcuffs or restraints. Just under his arm he can contain all the unlimited power in the universe against it’s will. Then he opens a huge metal doorway that has no handle and must way a goddamn ton. He opens it like it’s nothing and then slams them right in there. Of course they get out again within minutes but that’s not his fault, he’s just following orders. The scientists and engineers of the world should be working on a proper way to hold them. A normal water tower isn’t going to contain thee demon gods. He stays with this job through it all because he knows that he’s the only one who has a chance at capturing these things. He does all of this with the burden of a mental disability.

And the show doesn’t give him any credit! They show him like he’s a bumbling moron, but he never complains about that because he must be modest as well.