My Absence

This is going to be a kind of sad journal entry. I don’t usually write sad ones, but I feel like I should write this one, so I will.

I just finished watching a movie in which a man has to get his dog put to sleep because the dog is sick and can’t recover. When he does it, he puts a lot of effort forth in making sure the dog goes as nicely as possible. He hires a doctor over an actual vet just because he doesn’t like the vet’s cunty attitude. Then he buys the dog a nice steak and is right beside the dog as he gets euthanized. He even makes sure the dog is comfortably in his favorite bed at home as it happens. Afterwards he stays with the dog a while until he’s sure he’s finally gone to sleep for the last time, to see his best friend off into whatever happens after this life ends. Just for good measure he stays beside him until he’s sure all life has left the body, and to reflect on the amount of life he shared with the dog and all the good times they shared and whatnot. This is what I should have done.

Yeah, pretty sad and all that. Normally this would only get to me mildly, but this made me realize just how shitty I acted when my dog died a while back. It made me feel goddamn terrible and a truckload of guilt for how I handled things.

I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there for her at the end. I barely even paid attention to her. Even on the day she was put down it didn’t get to me, and it was all because of the other things happening at the time. I was too preoccupied feeling shitty about other things to act like a decent human being. Not that that excuses me for my mistake. It doesn’t. This movie made me realize how much of a prick I can really be. I don’t mean the normal kind of prick either, I mean pure prick. The kind of prick that makes you put your hands over your face and say “Oh man, what the fuck is wrong with me?” over and over again while pacing around, as I just finished doing. I have to make sure I never do anything like that again, and that I give the right amount of attention to each bad thing that happens. The problem was, was that I couldn’t feel any shittier than I already did at the time, and I made the mistake of not allowing myself to feel worse, hence, someone I love and that loves me back, dies possibly wondering where the fuck I am and screwing myself out of ever being able to get over said loved one’s death properly. Well, I deserve my end of it at least.

This realization just hit me like a ton of bricks with nails glued to them. Why the hell did it take this long? Am I really that awful? Apparently so.

Docks

I love the sound docks make when you walk across them. It always reminds me of being on vacation as a kid, and the time I was jumping off of one into the lake with some other kids. Being a kid was great for that sort of thing, no matter what it was so easy to make friends back then. The only requirement was that the other person was a kid and we would automatically all get along. Waking up in the morning with the rising sun gently warming my face was ass-kick too. Without fail, every morning the sun would peer across the horizon of the lake and turn everything a soft orange. The sunbeams would come through the window and wake me up in the most calm and pleasant way possible. The crunch of the gravel, catching frogs, boating, fishing, shit. So many good memories.

I need to go back.

One time I was making a good huge run to jump off of the dock, but when I got to the very edge some woman with her kid riding on her back was trying to swim by. I skidded, but went over the edge anyway and fucked my leg up. Almost went under the dock too. It hurt, and I can’t remember if I cried, but when I was under the water I remember looking up and seeing the sun splayed across the top of the water, and my vision being incredibly clear, man it was fucking amazing. Everything was blue like water’s supposed to be and it faded off to black in all directions, except for the area of my vision, in that I saw a perfect natural gradient of blue, right up to the top of the water. It was so beautiful that it made me forget my pain and panic for a moment and demanded I take it all in. the thunderstorms were amazing, finding random toys, exploring the woods, eating at completely new restaurants, finding what seemed to be an abandoned house on an island, and just generally being in a backwater no name town NOT totally overrun with tourist shit. A town that will never be in any movies, books or anything. Just a place
where people live and is actually for them. Fucking…fuck, I have to go back.

Children’s Toys

In junior kindergarten we had a toy that was a stump with nails in it. Plus a hammer. I’m serious. That’s what we had to play with. We even fought over it sometimes, there were even a few times I had planned on throwing the hammer at things. I threw things every now and then when I was a lil one. I threw a paint brush at the wall I think one time, it was that or it was a building block, which we weren’t allowed to build higher than our chins… Weren’t allowed to build higher than our chins with the blocks, but playing with a stump with nails in it was perfectly fine.

I remember being quite a hellion back then, but I don’t think it was to cause shit or be bad or anything, I think it was just because I was retarded or something. I never knew what I was doing was wrong or dangerous, which is a really fucking dangerous type of kid to have playing with a hammer and a stump with nails in it. I think since I would get yelled at for doing things I didn’t know were bad or wrong so much as a kid, accounts for how cautious I am with everything now. When “the wife” yells at me for things even now I don’t think they’re wrong or bad or gross, and I get more and more cautious and careful with everything I do. I put up a lot of effort not to bother anyone, ever, and I write this entry to request a trophy.