E-mail

I got this email earlier today. It's probably spam, but there wasn't a link or anything afterwards, just pictures of some naked foreign girl.

here's the body:

"Good afternoon im Kristen im 28 years old.
Opening the vagina."

Colossal Middle Aged Blonde

I once opened some obnoxious woman’s lunch container and farted in it, then quickly closed the lid. I went to the other side of the room, and soon after she sat down to her lunch. She opened it and made a funny face when the smell got to her, but she ate it anyway. Would you eat a meal that smelled like shit?

I only did this to her because she was a bitch and would do things like switch people’s snacks for cat treats, and steal people’s lunches. I caught her doing it more than once. All I would do is walk into the cafeteria and she’d jump and immediately go red in the face. Then she’d get mad at me and accuse me of sneaking up on her or stalking her or whatever. She’s the last person I would ever want to follow, she was the epitome of middle aged blonde, extra shitty version DX, a complete bitch, so I made her eat ass vapors. Fuck she was so annoying, I think she was a little bit retarded or something. This shrill vibrating sound would come out of her mouth, I think it was supposed to be a voice? I couldn’t tell because it was always way louder than a normal speaking voice, kind of like an alarm made of buzz saws and air raid sirens. I’d be alright with it if it wasn’t constant.

I’m going to stop complaining now, I don’t want to fill my journal with too much negative vibes.

Crakcs

Whenever I see a certain texture of crackiness I feel grossed out and intensely compelled to rip it open. What I mean is when things like soap crack open a bit from being dry for so long. It cracks but then there’s a crack…within the crack and it’s all ripply… Sometimes paint does it too, and the sidewalk at work…Man I want to rip it open but it’s cement so I can’t. Vaginas do this too but it wouldn’t be satisfying to rip one open. Too meaty and gooey.

Journal Entryoni

Do you remember those commercials? The Kraft Dinner commercials with the yellow dinosaur? He was made of cheese and most definitely suffered from autism. Or looked like it. I’ve been thinking about the lyrics of the commercials lately. I don’t remember understanding them when I was a kid, and that’s because most of them aren’t real words, just words with “oni” added on the end. Actually, I don’t think they ever made a rhyme unless it rhymed with macaroni, like, I guess some advertising official told the jingle writers that they weren’t allowed to rhyme with any other word. So I guess they sat there for a few minutes and came up with “zamboni” and “pepperoni” and that’s about it so they just started throwing “oni” on the end of everything.

The jingle is stuck in my head all night at work and it’s driving me insane because I don’t talk to a single soul all night, so there’s nothing to stop it’s endless loop within my mind.

I have a good idea. Take any one of the old commercials and sing the song in it slow and mournfully with sad piano music in the background. For their next commercial they should have the cheese retard find out he’s lactose intolerant or allergic to Kraft Dinner or something and then the slow sad version plays with lyrics like “My heart bleeds for youoni” and he has a framed picture of a box of KD and he sheds a tear, and just as “I thought our love was foreveroni, cause you’re Kraft Cheesy Macaoni” ( “macaroni” is sung with a tearful whisper) is sung he places the frame face down on a desk and gets into bed alone.

Middle Aged Blonde Women, Scourge Of The Earth

I’m gonna rant and generalize a whole bunch now.

In most lower end, shitty jobs a middle aged blonde woman is in charge, screwing things up, or is trying to screw shit up. This fuckin’ sucks. Man.

When I was a dishwasher at 14 I was hired by one, who gave me a rigorous interview just to get the shitty job. I quit the next day because the contents of a dumpster spilled on me and their garbage weighed more than I did, and I was a pretty fat kid, too, so imagine lifting a garbage bag so full of uneaten food it weighs more than 300 lbs nearly above your head into a dumpster that is ready to burst at the seams, filled with the same rancid yellow sludge. When this problem was brought to her attention nothing was done about it. Fuck that job.

Again at 16 when I was a cafeteria line attendant a middle aged blonde woman was the main thing I didn’t enjoy about my day. She would hover around behind me and criticize everything I did. She never realized that tourists stupid enough to pay 7 dollars for a slice of pizza made by minimum wage teenagers didn’t care if the slices of pepper were the same length or not. They just wanted to shove the pizza in their mouth so hard that it slopped down the front of their overalls and eventually down to add an extra stain on their fanny packs. She once pushed me out of her way near boiling hot grease because she felt I wasn’t feeding tourists freedom fries quickly enough.

Even when I worked at Blocbuster I was in danger of one screwing everything up. She didn’t though, because they kept her from getting in charge of the place and then expected her to actually do her job instead of sit around and complain all the time so she quit. Close one.

During the time I was with the previous security company my dispatch woman was a 400 lb middle aged blonde woman that would tell me to break into company’s properties, properties like Waste management and places that I know have guard dogs prowling about. Even at the job I just lost there was one that would complain about everything I did and didn’t do, insult me
personally and then ask me to do her favors.

Each one wasn’t actually blonde, only dyed that way, to make a vain attempt to be what outdated media says is attractive. Each was lazy, had a gigantic ass and a personality that can only be described by the word cunt.

Now, at present date, in my newest job that I just started I have yet to see one. I’m still waiting for her to show, and I have a bad feeling about this one. If there isn’t one I suppose this means my job isn’t considered lower end? Wait no, even in the higher end jobs there will still be middle aged blonde women who have become over zealous and self absorbed to the point where they believe they’re above most other employees/humans.

Steps

1.Install windows.

2.Install drivers.

3.Install programs

4. Have repairs made

4. Be wicked.